last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
