The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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