Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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