Can Purell be used as lube?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
