Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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