lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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