If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
