I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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