It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
