theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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