So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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