It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
you never un-have a 4some
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
