Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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