i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
