He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
