Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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