I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
This house was built for laser tag.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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