Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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