i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
