He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
