Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How does one acquire holy water?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
