I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
