Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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