My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
