I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
