the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
