Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
