I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
