So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
