This is not my ceiling
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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