just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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