If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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