I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
