Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
