so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
