im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
