there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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