"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
