just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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