The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
