there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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