if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
