Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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