probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
