theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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