Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
