I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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