I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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