You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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