sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
